Here it goes - the Next Big Adventure, as I've taken to referring to the ensuing move to North Carolina and beginning of grad school. The moving part? Yay, decorating. The school part? Actually, seriously can't wait. The moving-on-from-Auburn, starting the next chapter part? NOPE NO.
Maybe it's because I miss my best friends so much - from Santa Fe to Houston, Auburn, and Boston, they're all over the place, and for the first time in forever, none of them are with me. Over the last few months, most everyone I know has spread their wings out and taken their steps into the real world, and now it's my turn, and even though I've spend four years 'training' for it, so to speak, I'm having that moment where you stand on the edge and question if you even know how to fly.
I want to cry tonight, but I'm strangely comforted and disoriented at the same time knowing that, for the first time, those night-before tears aren't coming from a sad-to-leave home place, but a sad-to-be-growing-up one. I've been living in the hallway between undergrad and grad school, and this next step closes that door behind me and open up the shiny new one in front of me. And it's totally scary because closing that door feels a lot like closing the door on myself and life as I know it. Like leaving my friends behind (even though I know it's not true, it's a lot harder to convince your heart than your head), and facing the idea of losing my confidante, my partner in crime and the girls who know me better than I know myself. That right there is enough to send me to tears. I don't want to make new friends, I want mine to come with me or time out or something, anything, but make it stop. Stop moving on with your life without me, I want to yell at them. Include me, need me, call me, but please don't forget about me, because I need you. Stop going out together, stop posting cute pictures, because I'm not there and I'm so, so afraid I'm going to become the one who 'used to be', not on purpose, but because why do you need a best friend 800 miles away when you have one five minutes away?
This is the part about growing up nobody warns you about. How alone you're going to feel, while it seems the entire world around you just keeps going.
I have no idea what I'm going to find in the next month behind that door. What can you do though? Close your eyes, take a deep breath and jump, I guess, because I don't have any other idea (because running backwards and hiding out in your childhood bedroom is only fun until mom asks you to vacuum the living room).